I am so damn exhausted and I don’t want to go to bed to early because then I might wake up too early and then I will be bored by the time lunch time comes around. We had a very late lunch that you could almost say was an early dinner, either way I’m not extremely hungry but I am not full exactly either. So I am just going to wait for a little bit and then I will have some desert, maybe a little ice-cream and a steamed pudding and then I will decide whether I will go to bed earlyish or try to stay awake a bit because I really am tired of going to bed so damn early and waking up early no matter what I do or try to do. I so wish that the paranoia would stop screwing with my head, I also realised that I haven’t taken my medication for the past couple of nights which really doesn’t help the matter. Okay well I am going to get into it and I will see how I feel and I am also going to see what I can do to free up some damn space on this computer, cause I don’t know what is taking all the free disc space.
Well I am still having trouble with connecting properly to the internet so I have decided that I will type my blog here separately and then once or twice a week I will upload my pages that way I wont stress over connecting all the time. But of course if people actually find my blog then I will have to put my posts on a daily or whatever is wanted on my pages, but until now I will just do it a couple of times a week. Yesterday really was extra stressful with having a family get together of sorts that was just really painful to sit through. It is amazing how people can be so damn hurtful to others and not give a damn about how the other person feels, but if the shoe was on the other foot then the whole world would be in for it and some more. I wake early every morning and most nights I am in bed before half past eight except last night I made myself stay awake because I am sick of sleeping so much. I never use to go to bed before maybe 2 am and I would still be awake about 8ish in the morning and I would get so much done and I would never get bored. I find that even though I am sleeping for so many damn hours, it doesn’t take me very long to do my morning routine of showering, cleaning and exercising is usually all done by 9am and then I just sit around watching my TV shows and feeling bored like I really don’t have much to do. Then I wait around for it to hit 2 hours before high tide so that I can head of to the water-front and do some fishing until at least an hour after high tide and then I head of home to shower and prepare for the evening for whatever that may be and then I am asleep before half 8 and then I do it all again. I am so missing my study that it’s not funny, I really hope that I can convince them to let me study even though I have a debt to the Uni. I really should ask to get back into my wiccan studies just so that I have something to do instead of just being bored after I have finished everything. Its only 10.30am and I have nothing left to do other than hang out the clothes that is washing and it is a beautiful and gorgeous sunny day and I might actually go swimming in my daughters holiday pool. That’s what I really love about the island is that nearly every day is wonderful weather even if the weather is a little rainy and glum. Because it really doesn’t seem to last that long, and it doesn’t take time time dry up after any rain that we have. I have even done all the gardening this morning as well as my other usual morning routine. Don’t get me wrong I love that I can get everything clean and done so quickly every morning and that includes my exercising and I even think that I am actually losing weight and slimming down and toning up. But it is really hard to tell because I don’t have any long or full length mirrors so I am just guessing by the way clothes now hangs on me. I am fitting things a lot more looser and comfortable than before and I feel that I have less of a stomach hanging there that I have to lift my boobs to see my tummy now. My scale says that I have lost a few kilo’s over the last month or so, but I still have a long way to go to get to my ideal weight. Yep I have another 35kg’s before I am at the ideal weight for my height and bones and stuff, I wish it would go away faster but that’s not the way that it usually works at least in a healthy way. Okay I need to hang out some clothes and wash another load and then I will do my bi-weekly weighing to see how I am going. Luvs ya.
6:59pm… I really don’t want anyone to read my personal stuff until it hits my blog so I am about to try something to see whether it works. Okay I think I have it because I saved it to a different place because my blog is private as in no one knows my actual identity and that is what helps me be completely open and honest about everything that I am thinking and feeling. I have had a great day today spending time with my grandson even though he is feeling a little unwell because he has the sniffles and fever but we still had some quality time. My grandson is an absolute darling angel even when he is sick he is still very cuddly and a beautiful child to be around. The only bad thing is that I can’t tell my own mother that I am spending time with my grandson because she gets jealous that I am spending time with him and she has no damn reason cause she spends more time with him than I ever do and that really upsets me and it is so hard to bite my tongue and just shut up or my mum gets shitty in a big way. Oh well I will see my angel tomorrow and I am going to sit back and chill for a while until I start feeling tired and it is time for my bed.
1:40pm… Oh dear its a rainy dull day and it doesn’t help the depression and paranoia that I have been feeling the last few days and the fact that I didn’t get to see my grand-daughter for very long at all and I am a little pissed off about that. Cause it doesn’t help that I have no idea when I will see her again and the 2 weeks with my grandson is flying by and out of the 10 days he’s been here I have maybe seen him 4 times. I wont get to see my grandson till after Christmas maybe in a couple of months if I am lucky and it really feels that I tore everything else in my world apart because they wanted me too, and now I am really alone and I have had enough of that. From now on I am going to live my life for me and do whatever I fucking want, and right now I am angry and upset at the same time and it is making me feel like shit and a lot paranoid. I want to be happy really happy for the first time in my life, but at the moment I don’t know how I am going to make that actually happen. Plus I have to deal with this damn rainy dull weather which means that it is another day that I don’t get to see my grandson and I cant go down the water-front or out to do anything because its wet and rainy. I am trying to keep myself busy with doing my crafts just so I have something to keep me occupied, but my head is still going a million miles an hour and all these negative shitty thoughts keep running through my head. Oh dear I am trying to be as positive as I can but I am having a hard time of it, but maybe now that I have this shit out of my head I might start to feel better even a little bit will be a bonus. Okay well that’s my typing for now and I should probably try and get these last weeks thoughts on to my blog even though no-one is reading it, I should put it up for me.
13 0ct 2016
I am sitting here on the water-front listening to my music but it doesn’t seem to be right. I am trying to just have a relaxing time in the sun but this is too low and I have to bend to be able to write anything but the sun is glaring on my screen and I am having trouble even seeing what the hell I am doing. But for now I am going to persevere and just see how I go, I might not type a lot but I will keep listening to my music. I am also waiting for the wind to die down so that I can try and do an evp recording session so to see if I can connect with my angels and the spirit world.
4ish…I am really having a bad day today, and every time that I start and try and make myself feel better something else comes and kicks me in the guts. I am very close to ending it all once and for all the end of all ends because I really have had enough of other people making me feel like crap. I am sick of being accused of being in a mood just because I don’t talk like others expect me too so I must be in a mood. When M accused me of being in a mood was probably the first time all day that I wasn’t in a pissed off mood I was actually feeling really good about it then I get accused of being in a mood when I actually wasn’t and now I just feel like absolute crap because my daughter has used my grandson against me and told me to go fuck myself and she was changing her number tomorrow, so if she wants to play it that way I will end my life right here right now. I could so easily just have a few drinks and then take all my pills and go off to sleep and never wake up ever again, then she will have her wish. So if I don’t write another entry you will know that I have finally ended this crappy life that I am living. I am sick of living my life the way that everyone else thinks that I should live it and that I should do it the way that they want me too and that’s what I usually end up doing and I am not feeling like I want to be here on earth anymore, I just feel too depressed all the time no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I feel great and that everything is okay, when really it is not okay and I don’t think they ever will be okay ever again. I am not strong enough to keep pretending that I will be okay and I should give up instead of putting myself through so much pain and hurt that I have been feeling the last few days. I hate feeling this desperate and sad because it really does make me feel like I want it to be all over, its just too hard and I am sick and very alone and just don’t know if I can take it anymore or if I want to try fighting anymore or just give up. I wish I could be given a sign to say it will be okay or just give the fuck up and just end it all, maybe I should just have a beer or 2 and then gradually take all my pain killers till I cant take anymore but I don’t know that I have enough guts to actually do it. But after a few drinks it may be easy to follow through and I will stop talking about it and just do it I should just end it once and for all. Why do I let other people get to me, for all I know my daughter may have planned on cutting me out of their life anyway but she just needed an excuse to cut me off. I will be extremely pissed if she does cut me off because I uprooted my whole fucking life because she wanted me too, my house, my friends and even my son and for me to loose my grandson anyway doesn’t seem really fair to me in any way shape or form. I find myself sitting here stewing over it all, first she says I am in a bad mood when I am not, and then she told me to go fuck myself and she wont be contacting me and changing her number. All this shit going on because she thought I was in a bad mood and I wasn’t even a little, I was talking loud because I have a bad head cold and it is blowing a gale and even though I said I wasn’t in a mood she said I was yet again. I am not letting them get to me anymore, fuck the world and everyone from now on I am just going to try and stay drunk or doped up as much as I can until it finally kills me and hopefully it doesn’t take very long for it to kill me because I want it to be over cause I cant take the heartbreak anymore in my life. It is way too much for me to deal with any of this anymore, I have this beautiful place to live in but I am living here and feeling miserable nearly every single day of my life. I am grateful even to get every 2nd or 3rd day as a good one but this last week have all been crappy and trying to make myself feel better hasn’t lasted very long at all and I just want it to be all over, I seriously do want it to end. I haven’t written much in my blog as of late and this may be the last one if I am lucky. I say lucky because if I am dead and gone and I don’t repost ever again it means that I am not feeling anymore pain and heartache ever again. I keep typing in the hope that my daughter will just call me and would stop ignoring me and that I will feel better and not want death to come and take me away from it all. But I don’t expect her to call because she doesn’t really care about me nobody really cares about me and I have to come to terms with it. I could scream mu guts out and no-one would give a shit either, I will likely be dead for days before anyone even knows that something is wrong, it probably only be the smell that gets their attention. Okay right now I am not going to call my daughter anymore if she is going to ignore me and try and make me feel like crap and use my grandson as a pawn against me then life should be over anyway. The more I think about and stew over her not answering the phone the worse I feel, and the more I call and she doesn’t answer the more I feel like crap and the more I wish that I was able to go to sleep and never wake up ever again or feel the heartache I am feeling today. I don’t like the heartache that I am feeling right now, so I am going to have that first beer and see how I feel from there on in. So if I never post another word, well I know that I have not been able to help anyone let-a-lone myself and that my life has all been existing in vain and my life really has been pointless. Bye maybe for good. Well no-one will ever see these last posts because I cant get the damn internet to even connect to put it up there, so what a sign is that I should just fucking give up bye.
Well I haven’t been able to get any of my blogs up because I just cant seem to be able to get connected to the internet to try and even get it up and I am most likely going to have to get a pre-paid mobile internet connection just fro this sort of stuff. I don’t know what it is but the last few weeks I have had this feeling that I really need to start writing a book I am just not sure of whether it needs to fiction or some sort of self help type tell all of my faith and the way I have had to cope with so much in my life but I am confused about which way I need to be heading. Maybe I should do a fiction based on some of what I have gone through and my faith and beliefs, like writing a pretend persons story but built on my faith and beliefs and just see where to go from there. I hate not knowing which direction I am supposed to go with my writing. Maybe I should try both ways in separate papers and just go from there and see where I end up, but I am not even sure of how to start with either of them, but I will try.
oh dear I am sitting here and just wanting to be more creative but my mind is just a little all over the place today and I just want to be able to get it all out and not feel so mucky in my head. Once the job network pays for my owing fees to uni and I can re-enrol in my courses that I should have finished when I enrolled in them last year but I am going to put my whole heart and soul into my studies this time cause I need to study to keep my head in the game. I know I haven’t been able to get any of this up and onto the internet on my blog page, but hopefully the job network will work on that for me as well so that I have full access for everything that I need to get done. I got a nice early start this morning because I fell asleep on my recliner fairly early last night and then woke up early and so no point in going to my room to go to sleep again. So I just got up and got into cleaning the unit and redoing my nail, and drying out my paper that I made. They are quite stiff and thick and I want to experiment and try and make the paper a lot thinner so that I can use it as writing paper, because at the moment it is like card stock and very thick at that, so I will keep experimenting and see how I go. With all the newspapers that we get here that just gets wasted I have plenty that I can recycle. Okay time to get some more paper and then do my first lot of exercise and then go from there and my computer can charge in the meantime.
Well I ended up doing my pilgrimage yesterday and I wasn’t sure that I had really found the right place at first because I saw it but there was people there and I really hadn’t walked as far as I perceived that I thought I should go. I walked till I could walk no further but it wasn’t as far as I thought I would need to but I came to the end of the walking path just after an hour. I thought I would be walking for at least a couple of hours or so but the actual spot that I went back to was probably about 40 -45 minutes maybe only half an hour at the very least, so I really didn’t think it could be the spot. I kept thinking that maybe I was wrong on the place because it didn’t take that very very long to get there and then it wasn’t very far of the walk way and when I first walked past there was people there. It was an area with a big tree stump that had been cut down recently and had a diameter of about 1m across and when I came back the people that were there had since left. There was a fair amount of sand do it was a little hard to move through with my walker but not too bad, but the stump was at the right height so it became a natural altar and I could sit at it and lay all my magical tools and writing things and my colour pencils and easel on so I could just sit back and relax. I stayed there for about 4 hours just colouring mainly and did my consecration ritual and the calling of the quarters to bless the spot. But by the end of my time there I was fairly sure that it was in fact the right spot and that it was the spiritual space that I was drawn too. I can feel comfortable there, it is all natural and I was given sign in the end with the avoidance of certain people and things, and the time I spent there just seemed to fly by, so much so that I didn’t realise until I got home that I had gotten very very sunburnt, I look like a lobster. I can also share that spot with M, B and C to swim and relax and have fun without them knowing the spiritual association but where we can eat and play and have fun. I put in for my loan just at midnight Sydney time and M is talking about coming up Friday to drive me around shopping but I have to give her $20 for petrol and stuff but I only have about 200 left all the rest is gone already. But I will get to spend the day with C without them having to run off anywhere and M is talking about staying here on Friday night so I get even more time with C, which is worth the $20 bucks. But she said she has to talk with B about it today before she could make any concrete plans, but I am hopeful that they will be coming up even though it will cost me my bed and $20, but I fall asleep out on the lounge all the time anyway. I am just worried about Pheonix and how he will go with having someone else here in the unit. Okay time to get into my other stuff for the day and I need to work on what my budget is going to be with all these things I need to take out.
I am really feeling quite buzzy today because I have had my vitamins and I went to bed earlyish for me and got up nice and early again I guess so I have the energy to keep up with C when he comes up on Friday. I guess I just want to feel good and not let any of the negative crap into my head because of some old fucking lady who thinks she knows everything and is in charge of everything. So what if she only talks to me when C is around if she don’t want to talk I am missing out on nothing, its not worth letting her crap life rent free in my head and turning me a little nutty. Actually it has been since she found out that I had bipolar that she stoped talking to me on my own like its contagious or something like that but I think its funny really. Its funny how people that are ignorant and if they know nothing about things that they fear it and are closed minded and that really annoys me and gets on my nerves. Aahhhhhh I just cant seem to be able to feel complete all the time because I know that I haven’t been the true me and I haven’t written to Jd lately and its because I am trying to act like he doesn’t exist but I feel so very guilty at the same time for not writing but I have stuck by his side for so much and for so long. I went through so much stress and crap with the last case and believing his innocence because he said he was to find out that he was guilty after all, I just don’t think that I can keep living under that umbrella lies and deception and being taken for a ride. I always stuck by his side and believed that he would never lie to me to find out that’s all he ever did was lie and I taught him so much better than than, I taught him respect and what’s right or wrong and he just threw it all in my face after everything that I did for him. I feel so much anger, hate and resentment towards him because he ultimately betrayed me in the worst way ever possible, that feel good to admit, I never admitted that I have hated him for what he did. But because he is my son I would always love but at the same time I hate him for what he did and where and what day and how betrayed I feel whenever I think about him and its been over a month since I wrote but I should write him a letter because it has been at least a month since my last letter to him and the guilt is eating away at my mind and soul so once I get of this computer which is rather soon. Because I just realised that this knotted feeling in my guts is because of the guilt that I feel about not writing to Jd for such a long time and it is the right thing to do and the bad feelings holding me back will disappear and I will feel better. I have written more here than I planned or probably should since it stays on the computer memory for such a long time and if anyone knew that I was writing to him then I could loose everything and I have lost so much already and couldn’t bare to loose any more. Okay time to sign of for the day bye bye.
3:19AM Well my grandson wont be staying tonight because mum is coming up with them because she cant stand the thought of C spending time with just me and them staying the night would mean I have more time with him and that sucks that she sees it as a competition of who gets more time with C. The funny thing is that she sees him a couple of times a week and I am lucky if I get to see him once every month or two and she is the one who gets jealous all the damn time and it really annoys the fuck out of me I tell you it really is a pain in the butt. I just don’t get it you know it is sending my head in a spin when I think about it but there is nothing that I can do about it and I am trying hard not to let it get into my head too much and send me on a negative tail spin but I am not letting it get to me, I am trying all I can to be living my truly magical life.
10:22PM Well M and C came up but things didn’t seem to go the way I had planned, I tried and redid my budget about 4 times and then just after I got the stuff from target the friggin bank took $170 from my money and then the rest all went to M for C’s Christmas presents and her petrol and then I finally got my KFC. I have been hanging out for damn KFC for months since I moved here and I figured since I wasn’t going to be getting anything else to get out of my money I might as well get some good food. Okay well I need to work on my gel pens and felt tips that I got today and then decide whether I will just crawl up in bed and feel bad for myself or get into everything else and stay up late or what to do.
12.29PM… O MFG that last few days really haven’t been the best and had a big chunk go from my account and I am so over things going wrong these last 3 days, falling out of the hammock well actually the damn thing broke when I got on it and I fell to the ground. Then things didn’t come in for target and then M was going to be late and I had to redo my budget so many times it wasn’t funny. There were all these things that were breaking on me and losing thing and getting no sleep, then the money disappears and I had to give all my money to M and I have nothing to really show for it and all those other little things that go that have gone all wrong. I guess I just have so many little thing going wrong and I am doing my best to stay positive and believe that I deserve the best in life and for things to go right and in a positive direction. I’m going to just write in my normal journal and I need to look at doing readings tonight so I can gain some wisdom and advice and spiritual guidance and direction, so I need to get the questions prepared and reading for this evening.
12:58 PM…I did readings for myself last night but more in-depth than I have in a very long time because I feel I really needed to get some deep guidance, wisdom, knowledge and advice from spirit and I also saged the unit before I started so that there was only positive energy in the unit. I am still writing out the notes from all the readings and I am not much in the mood for typing so I am just going to write in my paper journal today most of the time.
11:26AM….I still haven’t finished writing the notes from my readings so I wont be writing much here or in my paper journal because I have to get back to it. Bye bye.
8:31AM….I fucking fell asleep on the damn recliner again and my back is in so much friggin pain and I have just had to use the t.e.n.s. machine to ease the pain that I am feeling and I just hate feeling this much pain and I have to try and let it ease a little bit. I fell asleep basically straight after I cooked the cupcakes so I haven’t gotten to ice the cakes or check on the cheesecake that I made last night which I should probably do now to see if it is set. Okay I did that and it is set perfectly and I will have some later on for my lunch or afternoon tea break. I probably wont be back on today because I have so much damn note taking left to do on my readings notes and the other thing that I need to do, but it is likely that I will write in my paper journal and stuff like that but I will take my electric scooter for a run down to my sacred spot and see if I get that far and just explore. Bye bye.
10:34AM… I am so feeling the pain right now my back is really playing up lately and I dont know what the hell is wrong with me and I thought I had it down, I was sure that it was because I was falling asleep on this damn recliner. But I actually went to bed on my bed last night and I have woken up in just as much pain as I did yesterday and it is killing me. So I am going to give my back massager a go and see if I can relieve some of the pain or I am going to cry because it is really hurting me and it is so hard to just walk even around the house fuck it.
11:16AM…oh dear I am not going to write much here but I am going to try and upload it to my page so lets see how I go with it. Yeah i got it.