Well its been a cool day it started early by waiting for the foxtel man to turn up and get me connected, so that I have plenty of stuff for me to watch on the weekend instead of being bored and knowing that there is nothing else for me to do or watch. I am feeling a little nervous at the moment because the girl who lives upstairs is expecting to see her boyfriend. And the lady next to me said that the boyfriend thinks he owns the place and does whatever he wants when he is here, and I am not sure how I will handle him and if I will loose the plot with him if he starts on my dog P, cause he is my baby. So I am having a few ciders just to let me unwind a bit so I am not so on edge and worried about how it is going to play out with this guy that is apparently an asshole. So if I have a few drinks I will be a little less on edge worrying about this guy, maybe because of my age he may just pull his head in and not cause any problems with me. I have a feeling that I am going to be awake nearly all night because I have so much to actually watch for a change and so much to choose from and enjoying every minute of it. I have been thinking about starting on writing a work of fiction to allow my creative juices to flow and there is a competition that is coming up soon, I think it is either October or November I think, but I could be wrong on that too but I will check it out on google soon and see what comes up. I have been writing so much more the last few days not just here on my blog but I have also been writing pages and pages in my paper journal as well. Its just that there is so much shit spinning round and around in my head and it is making me feel a little loopy at the same time.
There isnt much good grammer either here in my blog or in my paper journal too, and I am not surprised at how much there is spinning around and so much to think about when I look at all aspects. But I must say that there are things coming to mind that I usually dont think about mostly because I have never really lived a life just for me and no-one else so it really is completely new ground and I will have to explore it all and hopefully make some positive steps that work well for me. Oh wow it is so damn cool outside and I really am stressing a ot when I think about how I am going to live life, to actually have a life that doesnt involve anyone else, just me and I am not even sure how to do that. I have been a mum for the last 28 years , but well and truely for the last 17 years I have never been alone there has always been a child by my side. But since I lost my son to his heart condition 12 years ago, everything changed and I didnt think that I deserved to have any sort of life for myself. But after the things that had happened about 8 months ago, I have had some serious thoughts that I didnt deserve to be happy and have a life. Moving to a unit of my own, so close to the water-front was something I was doing for myself and starting a new life and actually living an adult life and that I deserve to have a life and all that is good and positive in life. I guess that is why I feel it is hard to actully enjoy the blessings that have been given to me especially in the last month with the move and all thatv has come along with it.
I have put my study on hold for this term with the move and all that but I do have exams in October, and I am looking forward to that and I have really missed not studying these last few months and I have to sort something out for next semester so that I can at least do a couple of subjects. Especially since I have moved, I want to get this Bachelors done and then Make my way into doing my Masters and then being able to work as a psychologist. I really think I can help other people that may have gone through some of the stuff that I have especially with the lose of my son, and the horrible thing my other son put me and the rest of my family through. I want to be able to help other mothers that have been through the things that I have been, if I knew someone else had been through the same things and how they handled it and could give me some direction would have been so great, instead of manouvring through the spiral of feelings that I have been through over the last 12 years. Oh goodness listen to me I am just raving on, there is so much going on in my mind and i just feel it pouring out of me here, and i was pouring it out on paper last night when I couldnt get the internet to work last night and i just couldnt settle my head until i was able to get the spinning mind c rap out of my head and onto paper. Well I am going to check things out and see what I can pull up and decide what I feel like watching for the rest of the day until I can figure out something creative that I can do.